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The spelling of our name.
Bill was working on his BMW, and things were not going well.
Hearing his frustration, a friend asked, "Do you need anything?"
"Yes," said Bill, "a metric screwdriver."
"A metric screwdriver?? Is there such a thing?"
"Sure," said Bill, "200 milliliters orange juice and 60 milliliters vodka."
The accordion player went to his day job in a bad neighborhood and parked his car on the street, forgetting he'd left his accordion in the back seat.
A few hours later he remembered and ran down to the street in a panic, but unfortunately saw that he was too late.
The windshield of his car was smashed and there were now TWO accordions in the back seat.
A waiter brings Gerhard the bratwurst he ordered with his thumb on the sausage.
"Are you crazy?" yelled Gerhard, "Don't bring my meal with your hand on it."
"What" answers the waiter, "You want it to fall on the floor again?"
Why couldn't Mozart find his teacher? Because he was Haydn.
The teacher asked little Tony if he knows his numbers.
"Yes," he said. "I do. My father taught me."
"Good. What comes after three." "Four," answers the boy.
"What comes after six?" "Seven."
"Very good," says the teacher. "Your dad did a good job. What comes after ten?" "A jack," says the kid.
Little Rosie was asked how she liked having a baby brother.
"I think God made him all mixed up!" she replied, "His nose runs and his feet smell."
Norbert worked at the Brauerei for years. One day he wasn't paying attention and tripped on the walkway. He fell into one of the beer vats and drowned.
The foreman thought that he should inform Norbert's widow of her husband's death. He showed up at the front door and rang the bell.
When she came to the door, the foreman said, "I'm sorry to tell you this, but Norbert passed away today when he fell into a beer vat and drowned."
She wept for a time, then asked, between sobs, "Tell me, did he suffer?"
"I don't think so," said the foreman, "He got out three times to go to the men's room."
Q: How do you get a drummer off your front porch?
A: Pay for the pizza.
(Singers can also be found on your front porch. They can't find the right key and don't know when to come in.)
There is a bar with a bunch of Irishmen in it and they are all yelling "51 days, 51 days!" and more and more keep coming in, they are all ordering drinks and yelling "51 days! 51 days!"
The bartender has a puzzled look on his face as more and more come into the bar and order more and more drinks and chant and chant.
Finally, the bartender asks one of the Irishmen why they are all celebrating and chanting "51 days! 51 days!" The Irishman answers, "Well, we all just finished a puzzle in 51 days and the box said 2 to 4 years!"
Q: What statement will you never hear uttered?
A: "That's the drummer's Porsche."
Three expectant fathers, a German, an Irishman, and a Jamaican, were in the hospital waiting room. A doctor comes in and announces that he has some good news and some bad news, "The good news is that you each are the father of a healthy baby boy. The bad news is that we've mixed them up."
The three new fathers walk into the nursery. The German goes right to the Jamaican baby, picks him up and starts rocking him.
"What are you doing?" the Jamaican guy asks, "That is obviously not your son."
"I know," said the German guy, "but I didn't want to accidentally get the Irish kid."
A farmer whose land fell right on the Russian-Polish border was informed that the border dispute had finally been ironed out
and his land was now totally within Poland.
"Thank God," he said. "I don't think I could stand another of those Russian winters."
Helmut comes home to his wife after a late band performance, when suddenly she asks him,
"Helmut! Can you explain how lipstick got on your collar?"
"No dear," he says, "I distinctly remember taking my shirt off."
Late one night, a burglar broke into a house he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say: "Jesus is watching you!"
Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again.
"Jesus is watching you," the voice boomed again. The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened. Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a birdcage and in the cage was a parrot.
He asked the parrot: "Did you say Jesus is watching me?"
"Yes", said the parrot.
The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, and asked the parrot: "What's your name?" "Slavko," said the bird.
"That's a dumb name for a parrot," sneered the burglar. "What idiot named you Slavko?"
"The same idiot who named the Rottweiler "Jesus."
As the lawyer slowly came out of the anesthesia after surgery, he said, "Why are all the blinds drawn, doctor?"
"There's a big fire across the street," the doctor replied. "We didn't want you to think the operation was a failure."
"I have to have a raise," Mike said to his boss. "There are three other companies after me."
"Is that so?" asked the manager. "What companies are after you?"
"The electric company, the telephone company, and the gas company."